May 2012 is over J L   I have a love hate relationship with May.  It’s a very emotional time in this house.  So many wonderful things; Hudson’s birthday, my birthday, two nieces birthday’s, Birth Mother’s Day, Mother’s day, and in case that’s not enough Memorial Day.  I feel so much love in May, my heart doubles in size.  I can smile so BIG one day and the next day my heart is broken in a thousand pieces.  I get lost in the emotions of my son’s adoption story.  I’m so grateful to be able to hug my little man every morning.  On his birthday I make it a point to give him two kisses one from me and one from his birth mother.   We think about her all the time.  In May, I’m just overcome with love and gratitude for her.   And then soon after celebrating Hudson’s birthday we celebrate Birth Mother’s Day and Mother’s Day.  It is gut wrenching that these three dates are so close together.  I hope that Hudson’s birth mother has peace in her heart.  And that she knows that Hudson is loved, hugged, kissed, and cherished.  He is a happy, smart, energetic little sweat heart.   And we will be forever grateful for her choice that made us a family. 

WAS

Yesterday WAS Beautiful!

Yesterday WAS Devastating!

At 4pm I took Hudson to the park.  Corey needed to get some much needed work done around the house.   And let’s face it; it’s easier to get things done without your toddler running around “helping”.   At 4:30 the adoption agency called my cell.  Of course Hudson and I just happened to be standing on a busy corner.  Me holding on to him, trying to wipe his nose, and him trying to run into traffic.  Obviously they would have to leave a voice mail.   I thought I would check it when I got Hudson settled and more importantly SAFE.  Then my phone rang again, it was Corey.  I knew something was up so I ushered Hudson into the soccer field and answered my phone.  “We have been picked” that’s all he said and I knew exactly what he meant.  A birth mother had been shown our profile earlier in the week, and she picked us to parent!  I don’t even remember what I said.  I do, however, remember continuously grabbing garbage out of Hudson’s hands before he could put it in his mouth. 

I WAS so excited!

I picked Hudson up and ran to the jeep.  The birth mother wanted to talk to us at 5pm!  When we spoke with her everything was perfect.  Both Corey and I immediately fell in love with her calm quite personality.  The conversation couldn’t have gone better.  She told us that she had a dream about us, and knew we were meant to parent her baby girl.  She said the baby knew who her parents were.

 It WAS perfect! 

We took Hudson out for ice cream to celebrate, we told Hudson his baby sister was coming home, and started calling family with the good news.  Our case manager from the agency called us and told us it was “A Miracle Match”.  And we would find out more at the hospital.  We took Hudson back to the park while we finished our ice cream.  On the way home from the park the adoption agency called us, IT WAS BAD.  The birth mother wanted to speak with another family.  We were in shock!  WHAT?  WHY?  The representative from the adoption agency assured us that our phone conversation went well and she didn’t know why the birth mother wanted to speak with another family.  When we got home I went straight to my room to meditate.  And work as hard as I knew how to “realign the stars”.  We nervously got Hudson ready for bed.  While I was holding my sweet boy in his room and singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star in his ear, the phone rang.

 It WAS devastating!

 The birth mother chose the other family to parent.  We are still asking ourselves why.  The adoption agency social workers don’t know why either (or maybe their not saying).  And we will never know what happened in just two hours’ time that caused the birth mother to change her mind.  It was the perfect match, she had a dream about us, we felt good, and it was “A miracle match”. 

WAS

We will continue our journey always wondering about this sweet little girl that could have been our daughter.  But the fact is that we never gave up trying to bring Hudson home.  And we will never give up until McKenna is home.  We love her so much already.  We just can’t imagine life without her.   Like I tell Hudson when he asks about her, “Baby Sister will be home soon.”

Yesterday WAS devastating.


Life IS beautiful!