Not Who I Used to Be

December 1, 2013

You are not who you used to be.  You don’t have to make the same decisions, think the same thoughts, or want the same thing that you used to want.  –Cynthia Occelli

Lately I have been thinking a lot about who I was a year ago.  And truthfully I hardly recognize that person.  Today I am so much more confident and enthusiastic about life.  I kept waiting all November for the emotions of “fertility loss” and “adoption loss” to overwhelm me.  And it never happened.  Instead I felt extreme gratitude for every trial we faced along the way.  We are stronger because of it.  We are better parents because of it.  And I am truly grateful for that.  I am so grateful for those difficult days when I felt like I just couldn’t take anymore.  I am grateful for being pushed beyond my limits.  Without the pain and heartache we wouldn’t have our beautiful children.  While the journey at the time was difficult, to say the least, it was necessary.  Loss is never easy.  And now I think back on those days for strength.  I find myself thinking, if I can do that I can do anything.   

We celebrate Hudson’s gotcha day in November and Makiah’s in December.  And usually around this time of year I am overwhelmed with grief.  Maybe, that is unusual for a time that is meant for celebration.  And yes, I guess now coming from the place that I am in today, it is unusual.  I have just never seen in that way.  The grief came from the feelings of loss.  For what I had lost in the past and for what my children’s adoptive parents have lost and for what my children have lost.  Those feelings would undoubtable lead to depression.  This was a miserable way to feel going into the Holidays.  The cold weather and long winter just added to my sadness.  Winter was always the season that I just pressed through. 

I am writting this tonight because I am experiencing a sense of peace, calm, and joy at the beginning of this month.  It is very different for me.  I am so grateful for this amazing feeling of love.   The changes in me have happened gradually.  Not that I didn’t work on it, because I have and continue to work on my personal development.  This last month I started to see how my persistence was paying off.  I feel so good!  I just want to shout if from the roof tops.  This is a new me I am seeing.  And it feels good.  I am grateful for children’s birth families.  I love them so much.  I look forward to the day that we will talk face to face again.  There are no words for the love that I feel for my children.  They are so perfect!  I am honored to be their mother. 

We have had so much fun this fall!  Here is a little update. 

We Are Enough

We had a fun and exciting week.  The highlight of the week was Hudson’s first day of Preschool at Learning Dynamics.  There was a little miscommunication over "show and tell' on the first day.  His teacher thought he brought box cars when in fact he brought his prized motorcycle that his Grandmama gave him a week earlier.  The teacher kept telling him that HIS motorcycle was another little boy’s.  Needless to say it was melt down city until Mama came to pick him up and straighten out the miscommunication.  Hudson’s new teacher is originally from England and Hudson has already picked up some new words.  After school on Tuesday he kept saying “I was freakin a biscuit all over the place, I just kept freakin a biscuit, and I was freakin a biscuit all day”.  We are still laughing about it “freakin a biscuit” is not a phrase we use in our house.  J  Hudson’s second day of preschool was MUCH better.  We started using In Tune Essential Oil on him to help him focus and decrease his anxiety.  Corey and I have both noticed a big difference in Hudson’s behaviors.   He is able to concentrate more on what he is doing.  He came home from preschool singing two new songs, every word, from beginning to end.  It was awesome, he seems so much older. 

On Saturday we went to Wheeler Farm so we could use some wagon ride tickets we had left over from Hudson’s Birthday party.   The kids love seeing the animals.  There was a one week old baby lamb, so PRECIOUS. 

Corey and I started going to Cardio Barre last week and we are having so much fun with it.  It’s such a challenging no impact workout.  I really love the dance aspect of the workout.    We have so much more energy, it feels great.  The website is http://cardiobarre.com/studios/quarry-bend-ut/ if you want to check it out.  I highly recommend it! 

I have been reading Daring Greatly by Brene Brown.   It has me really thinking about some beliefs that I have carried with me for 9+ years. 

 

For example she writes, “The counterapproach to living in scarcity is not about abundance.  In fact, I think abundance and scarcity are two sides of the same coin.  The opposite of “never enough” isn’t abundance or “more than you could ever imagine”.  The opposite of scarcity is enough, or what I call Wholeheartedness.  As I explained in the Introduction, there are many tenets of worthiness:  Facing uncertainty, exposure, and emotional risks, and knowing that I am enough”.  

 

So amazing, I have been thinking about this for days.  At times I find myself thinking I need to give more, do more, and be more.  The last couple days I have found myself thinking, I am enough.  It is so freeing and powerful.  And you know what?  I really am enough.  That doesn’t mean I’m not going to continue to seek out self-development.  But I am going to take it easy on myself.  And replace thoughts of scarcity on not being worthy with thoughts of being enough, having enough and being grateful for everything I do have.  I truly am doing my best.  And that’s all that really matters.  I love how she references abundance with being the flip side of the scarcity coin.  I have never thought about it that way.   In fact I have meditated a lot on living in abundance.  Which isn’t a problem…………unless you are like me and thinking about your future abundance.  That really does just bring in more thought s and emotions of not having enough.  Lately I have been thinking about living in abundance in my present life.  And in my present life I have more than enough, I am enough, and I am SO grateful. 

We had a fun and exciting Summer. I decided to update our blog with pictures and not so much text for this post.  Sadly, our camping trip pictures would not load.  I will post them to facebook. Hopefully that works because they are so darling.  We were going non stop this summer. I am sad to see it end and yet excited for the Fall and yes, even the Winter.