May 2012 is over J L   I have a love hate relationship with May.  It’s a very emotional time in this house.  So many wonderful things; Hudson’s birthday, my birthday, two nieces birthday’s, Birth Mother’s Day, Mother’s day, and in case that’s not enough Memorial Day.  I feel so much love in May, my heart doubles in size.  I can smile so BIG one day and the next day my heart is broken in a thousand pieces.  I get lost in the emotions of my son’s adoption story.  I’m so grateful to be able to hug my little man every morning.  On his birthday I make it a point to give him two kisses one from me and one from his birth mother.   We think about her all the time.  In May, I’m just overcome with love and gratitude for her.   And then soon after celebrating Hudson’s birthday we celebrate Birth Mother’s Day and Mother’s Day.  It is gut wrenching that these three dates are so close together.  I hope that Hudson’s birth mother has peace in her heart.  And that she knows that Hudson is loved, hugged, kissed, and cherished.  He is a happy, smart, energetic little sweat heart.   And we will be forever grateful for her choice that made us a family. 

WAS

Yesterday WAS Beautiful!

Yesterday WAS Devastating!

At 4pm I took Hudson to the park.  Corey needed to get some much needed work done around the house.   And let’s face it; it’s easier to get things done without your toddler running around “helping”.   At 4:30 the adoption agency called my cell.  Of course Hudson and I just happened to be standing on a busy corner.  Me holding on to him, trying to wipe his nose, and him trying to run into traffic.  Obviously they would have to leave a voice mail.   I thought I would check it when I got Hudson settled and more importantly SAFE.  Then my phone rang again, it was Corey.  I knew something was up so I ushered Hudson into the soccer field and answered my phone.  “We have been picked” that’s all he said and I knew exactly what he meant.  A birth mother had been shown our profile earlier in the week, and she picked us to parent!  I don’t even remember what I said.  I do, however, remember continuously grabbing garbage out of Hudson’s hands before he could put it in his mouth. 

I WAS so excited!

I picked Hudson up and ran to the jeep.  The birth mother wanted to talk to us at 5pm!  When we spoke with her everything was perfect.  Both Corey and I immediately fell in love with her calm quite personality.  The conversation couldn’t have gone better.  She told us that she had a dream about us, and knew we were meant to parent her baby girl.  She said the baby knew who her parents were.

 It WAS perfect! 

We took Hudson out for ice cream to celebrate, we told Hudson his baby sister was coming home, and started calling family with the good news.  Our case manager from the agency called us and told us it was “A Miracle Match”.  And we would find out more at the hospital.  We took Hudson back to the park while we finished our ice cream.  On the way home from the park the adoption agency called us, IT WAS BAD.  The birth mother wanted to speak with another family.  We were in shock!  WHAT?  WHY?  The representative from the adoption agency assured us that our phone conversation went well and she didn’t know why the birth mother wanted to speak with another family.  When we got home I went straight to my room to meditate.  And work as hard as I knew how to “realign the stars”.  We nervously got Hudson ready for bed.  While I was holding my sweet boy in his room and singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star in his ear, the phone rang.

 It WAS devastating!

 The birth mother chose the other family to parent.  We are still asking ourselves why.  The adoption agency social workers don’t know why either (or maybe their not saying).  And we will never know what happened in just two hours’ time that caused the birth mother to change her mind.  It was the perfect match, she had a dream about us, we felt good, and it was “A miracle match”. 

WAS

We will continue our journey always wondering about this sweet little girl that could have been our daughter.  But the fact is that we never gave up trying to bring Hudson home.  And we will never give up until McKenna is home.  We love her so much already.  We just can’t imagine life without her.   Like I tell Hudson when he asks about her, “Baby Sister will be home soon.”

Yesterday WAS devastating.


Life IS beautiful!

Best Mother's Day Present I Have Ever Received

Hudson will be TWO in just a few weeks.   His upcoming Birthday has me reflecting a lot on the day he was born.  About ten minutes after Hudson was born we were invited into the labor and delivery room.  Hudson’s Birth Mother handed him to me and very lovingly said “Happy Mother’s Day”.  Neither one of us could hold it together after that.  Hudson was born just three days before Mother’s Day.  I can’t even imagine how difficult that was for her.   And every year at this time I pray that she is doing well and at peace with her decision.  Hudson’s Birth Mother is on the top of my list as one of the most amazing people I have ever met.  She is very strong, courageous, and selfless.  Looking back at the pictures we have of her and Hudson you can tell she loves him very much.  And Hudson will always know these things about her.  Last year Hudson’s Birthday was on the same day as National Birth Mother’s Day.  It was absolutely perfect!  And this year my Birthday is on National Birth Mother’s Day.  We will be celebrating by attending Birth Mother’s Baskets fundraiser at the Blue Lemon in Highland UT, May 12^th, 11am -2pm.  In honor of Birth Mother’s Day 20% of your total lunch bill will be donated to Birth Mother’s Baskets when accompanied with their flyer.   If you would like to join us you can print the flyer from Gina’s blog.  http://www.birthmotherbaskets.blogspot.com/search?updated-max=2012-04-04T08:49:00-06:00&max-results=8. 

Clarity

Clarity

I feel so blessed to have such wonderful friends and family.  I really appreciate all the support we received last week, and continue to receive.  And I am feeling SO much better about things.  In fact I’m kind of embarrassed about my little pity party.  I have so much to be grateful for.  And I know that our daughter(s) will be home soon. 

Last Thursday I had the most severe migraine that I have ever had.  Which of course, was brought on by stress.  Corey made arrangements for Hudson to go to daycare.  Thanks to some homeopathic treatments I was feeling almost 100% better by noon.  I cleaned the house and took some time to just rest.  A much needed break!

On Friday Hudson and I were playing.  When out of the blue he wrapped his little arms around my legs and gave me a big hug.  He looked up at me with those big brown eyes and said, “One sister?  Two sister?”  It was one of those moments that just took my breath away.  Why would he ask that?  Where did he get that?  Did he really just ask that?  I tried not to think about.  Play it off as just one of those crazy things kids say.  But I couldn’t get it out of my mind.  I had this overwhelming feeling that it may not be one little girl we were looking for it was possibly two.  I really don’t know for sure.  But I knew I needed to do something.  Many adoptive parents can relate.  It’s that feeling you get that you need to bring your children home, do whatever it takes, and get to work.  So I discussed it with Corey and we got to work.  Actually Corey and I have both had dreams about two little girls.  Even before we knew we could not have biological children. 

The first thing I did was call the adoption agency that we are working with and let them know that we were interested in adopting a sibling group.  We know that situation does not come up very often.   The next thing I did was contact a second agency.  We are in the process of being approved with them.  And I called Utah State Foster Care.   We have our application in with Foster Care.  Corey and I just need to get all the classes taken.  Which is difficult because they are in the evening and don’t end until 9:30pm.  I know this is sad but I’m usually in bed by 9:00.  Oh well, what needs to be done, will get done!

It feels good to be back to myself.  “What doesn’t kill you makes a fighter”.

Games

Tonight while I was recovering from the day in my lavender scented bath I thought “I am tired of playing games.” 

The waiting game…………

Most adoptive parents have played this game.   The days are busy with paperwork, preparing profiles, fundraising, and the home study.  Then your finally ready……….and you wait.  You wait for a phone call, an email; you wait for your child.  There is no due date.  No known end date to this “pregnancy”.   It’s emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausting.  I thought I was handling things well.  I thought the second time around I would be better at this game.   During my run Monday evening all my emotions came to the surface.  This, by the way, is one of the reasons I love running.  You learn a lot about yourself when you are pushing your body to its physical limits.  It awakens your mind.  By the time I was nearing the end of my run I could hardly breathe through the tears.  It’s painful to not be able to carry your child, know where they are, and that you are already doing the best you can to take care of them.  It’s difficult trusting that your baby is on their way to your family.  Yes, even after witnessing the miracle of adoption more than a few times, in my family, and my extended family.  It is still so very difficult.   I know that negative emotions and fear will only cause more negative emotions and fear.  So tonight when a birth mother didn’t choose us to parent for the third time, I had to work really hard on telling myself.  “I know like I know like I know.”  That our baby is on her way. 

One of my coping skills while “waiting” is keeping myself busy.  I find that if I’m busy my mind is not tail spinning into negative thoughts about my child not being home.  I really feel that the more positive and happy feelings I have, the more likely she will be home soon.  We are VERY ready for the baby.  We have everything she could ever possibly need.  The nursery is also mostly ready.  We just have some pictures and a shelf that needs to be hung.  I have written out a schedule of our day and penciled her feeding times in.  I say penciled because anyone who has ever been around a newborn knows how that goes, LOL.

 We have had the carpets and couches cleaned.  They asked us if it was a disaster cleanup.  Corey said, “Uhhh…………. if a toddler and a cat qualifies”.   Oh Corey  ;) 

We painted a high chair and cradle that my Grandpa Johnson made for me when I was little.  They use to be a pistachio pudding green.  Well………when we were sanding them down we found that they were originally painted blue.  The SAME blue color that I had bought to repaint them, I kid you not.  Today I purchased McKenna’s birth mother’s gift.  A very beautiful mother and child heart shaped sterling silver and diamond necklace.  And two identical teddy bears from Build a Bear.  One for McKenna and one for her birth mother.  When I got the bears home I had a good chuckle.  They have a striking resemblance to a certain teddy bear my Grandma Johnson gave me for my birthday.   Interesting to say the least.  My Grandpa’s name is Kenneth; my Grandma’s name is Fawn.  (Fawn is also my middle name)  We thought McKenna Fawn was very appropriate considering my Grandparents were adoptive parents themselves.

We picked the one in the middle.

Matching Bears

McKenna’s crib bedding came with a valence and diaper stacker that I wasn’t going to use.  So I made this cute wall hanging out of the fabric.  An idea I got from pinterest.

And our latest project is building shelving in the mudroom and in the family room.  Which we can’t take much credit for.  We hired it out. ;)   We have planned on doing it for three years now. 
It was time to just get it taken care of.  

Mudroom

Left side of the fireplace.

It’s 11:35pm and I’m feeling much more optimistic about the future then I did at 4:00pm.  My thoughts and well wishes are with all the families out there waiting for their children to come home.  I am very grateful for my little miracle and the time I get to spend with him everyday. 

I hope he ALWAYS smiles this big.

I'm also grateful for my amazing husband. 

This reminds me of a photo I took of the two of them when Hudson was just a few months old.

I should be in bed, but I just had to look for the picture.  This picture was taken just after we brought Hudson home from the hospital and took him out of his car seat. 

I think it was the first time that Corey actually believed that Hudson was his. (tear)

This is the one I was thinking of.  Hudson is 7 weeks old.

On that beautiful note..........Good Night.

Magnificent Universe

Is this a magnificent Universe?


While playing "turtles" with Hudson last night I decided to check my facebook. And I found a post from a friend of mine saying that she had an extra tick to Jack Canfield. I am ashamed to admit that my first thoughts were "I can't go tonight, man, I really wish I could". After a very brief moment of wrestling with my negative thoughts and talking with my Husband. I decided to take some "action steps". Which ultimately ended with me sitting in a conference room of the Radisson Hotel listening to Jack Canfield. The author of the book that I've been trying to read for four years. Bonus, I reconnected with some amazing people that I haven't seen in a long time. And met some amazing new people. So fun, so exciting!

YES, this is a magnificent Universe!

SWSWSWSW

So I'm reading this book...

Well actually I've been trying to get through this book for almost four years now. That's embarrassing to admit. I really can see the benefits of reading this book. Possibly life changing! I can't explain why it's taken me so long. I've of course read other books in the last four years. I can't really explain why it's been so hard. It's The Success Principles by Jack Canfield. You know Jack Canfield, the creator of Chicken Soup for the Soul.

A couple of nights ago I was reading chapter 18 (I know, four years, and yes I'm on chapter 18 of 64 chapters). His advice is that whenever you ask for anything you should remember SWSWSWSW. "Some will, some won't; so what - someone's waiting". WOW! AMAZING! These words just engulfed my whole heart. This is how I look at the adoption process. Adoptive parents wait and wait and wait some more. And than finally a birth mother looks at your profile, even gives you a call. And then decides to place with another family or parent. It's heartbreaking, a big deal, but SO WHAT. Someone is waiting. Adoption is truly one of the greatest miracles of life. It's an absolute miracle how Hudson's sweet, energetic, loving little cuteness fits so perfectly into our family. And I know we just have to wait for our daughter, she is coming.

"What you want wants you". Jack Canfield